Descend the spiral staircase.
Please hold the handrail.
It's dark down here!
Keep going. Watch your step!
Almost there. Careful. Spiders!
Hello. I'm Harley Quinn, this castle's court jester.  After you've been subjected to my humor, you may wish to send your own warped submissions to me for inclusion in my repertoire.  A clickable e-mail submission form is available at the very bottom of this crypt.

Each submission selected will be credited to the person submitting it unless request is made for "name withheld."  Do keep your submissions clean, and please make sure they are not offensive to any person or group.  Sexual jokes are best submitted to some other site.

Bubba's dad was an old man who had moved to Idaho and now lived alone.  The old man wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.  Bubba, his only son, used to help him back in Texas before he was sent up the river for what they called "a federal offense."  In a sad state, the old man wrote a letter to his son in prison and mentioned his predicament:

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  If you were here, all my troubles would be over.  I know you would dig the plot for me.


A few days later the old man received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

"For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!"


At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns.  They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.


Submitted by Prof. M. Ghetti, Baton Rouge

Selecting the jury in a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney questioned the first prospective juror, an elderly, grandmotherly woman. He approached the jury box and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young bully. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died!

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "You'll be jailed for contempt if either of you bastards asks her if she knows me."

Submitted by Prof. M. Ghetti, Baton Rouge

Bambi was repeating Professor Riddick's Constitutional Law I class for the third time. He asked her, "Ms. Bambi, can you tell me what Roe v. Wade was about?"

After squirming in her seat for a minute or so, she decided she had better guess rather than say, "I don't know," because she knew the good professor would call on her for several classes thereafter.

So she replied, "That's the decision George Washington made when trying to cross the Potomac!"

Submitted by "Bambi Bean," Baton Rouge

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Submitted by J. Richard, Baton Rouge

The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and, with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool. Pulling himself up painfully, he asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and asked, "Is that Jesus down there?"

The bartender nodded, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there.

The bartender nodded, and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered: "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"

The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

As Jesus walked toward the redneck, the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"

Submitted by Marcelle DeSoto, Baton Rouge

A man died and was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of torment - the rack that was to stretch him in agony forever - he passed a side-room where a lawyer was being intimately entertained by a beautiful young woman. She was pandering to his every whim.

"This is unfair," said the dead man. "Why have I got to spend eternity stretched on a rack among flames while that lawyer spends all eternity with that beautiful woman?"

The Devil prodded him with his pitchfork. "Silence!" he snarled. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

From the Daily Mail (London)

Q. What is the difference between God and a lawyer?

A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

From the Daily Mail (London)

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up, and they asked him. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer . . . for two months . . .and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"Come on!" Peter shouted, "it took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find two lawyers and a judge?"

Submitted by Prof. M. Ghetti, Baton Rouge

An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers. He takes a sip out of each of the glasses in turn, sitting quietly at a table -- alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

The same day the following week, the man returns and again orders and drinks three beers at a time. Soon the entire town is whispering about "The Man Who Orders Three Beers."

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers at a time?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America and the other to Australia. When we split up, we promised each other we'd always drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender and the whole town think this is a nice custom, and soon Pat becomes a regular customer, always ordering three pints at a time. After a few months, "The Man Who Orders Three Beers" becomes a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that people would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers at a time. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first, are sorry for the death of your brother."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are fine. It's just me. I've quit drinking."

Submitted by Prof. T. Richard, Baton Rouge

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Submitted by D. Browder, Baton Rouge

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me my money."

Submitted by L. Johnson, Baton Rouge

One day Satan was making his normal rounds - making sure everybody was miserable. At his last he noticed a Cajun with a big smile on his face. Satan walked over to the man and said, "The temperature is 95 degrees with a humidity of 90%. Why are you smiling?"

The Cajun said,"This reminds of June in Lafayette and all those nights around the Cochon de Lait."

After Satan thought about it a while, he decided to turn the temperature up to 100 with humidity of 95%. On his rounds the next day Satan noticed the same Cajun, shirt unbuttoned, still sitting there smiling. When Satan asked, the Cajun said it reminded him of Fourth of July parties in the French Quarter. This really made Satan angry, so he turned up the temperature to 110 with 100% humidity.

The next day, Satan noticed everybody was unusually miserable, until he found the Cajun sitting there with his shirt off, smiling. That day, the Cajun answered Satan's questions by saying it reminded him of all those August parties in Shreveport.

Satan was outraged, so he turned the temperature down to 0 and set the wind at 15 mph. The next morning, Satan skipped his normal rounds and headed for the area where he would find the Cajun. When he arrived, the Cajun was huddled on the ground, shivering, with frost on his beard, but he was still smiling. Satan asked the man what he could possibly have to smile about now.

The Cajun replied, "The Saints finally won the Super Bowl!"

Submitted by D. Browder, Baton Rouge

A man took 100 lawyers hostage and held them for ransom. He asked for $1,000,000 and a helicopter or else he'd release the lawyers one by one.

Submitted by W. Duley, Bogalusa, Louisiana

An attorney died and found himself in Heaven, but was not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would have to wait at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange for the appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney were willing to change venue to Hell.

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much more quickly in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

Submitted by Prof. M. Franks, Baton Rouge

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live.

"Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.

"Marry a law student," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

Submitted by Prof. M. Franks, Baton Rouge

A lawyer trying to get tickets to Rent, the show of the year, finally settled for a couple of seats eight months in advance. When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at her funeral."

Submitted by Prof. M. Franks, Baton Rouge

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Mercedes in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, an eighteen-wheeler came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Mercedes.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cellphone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than five minutes before the police pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Mercedes, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The officer replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

Submitted by L. Johnson, Baton Rouge

A New York taxi driver and a clergyman both died the same day. Arriving at the pearly gates, the cabbie was first in line.

St. Peter gave the cabbie an elegant golden robe embroidered in pure gold, with velvet trim and satin lining. St. Peter next gave this cabbie a solid gold staff to carry.

Turning then to the preacher, St. Peter handed him a plain, unadorned white cotton robe and an inelegant, unpainted wooden stick as a staff to carry.

The preacher spoke up: "St. Peter, why does this Bronx taxi driver get the gold robe and I this, when I'm the one who's worked my entire life for the church?"

"We judge people on results," replied St. Peter. "When you preached, your parishioners slept. When he drove, his passengers prayed."

Submitted by Prof. M. Franks, Baton Rouge

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cell. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verify and validate the causal link between all-weekend parties and the achievement of excellence in all disciplines. It also explains why, after a few short years after leaving university and getting married, most workers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.

Only those few who stick to the strict regime of voracious alcohol consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved in their college years.

Submitted by an attorney at the Clifford Chance law firm, London

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, ""

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?"

Submitted by J. Richard, Baton Rouge

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